“Many years ago, below the city, there were four regular turtles but then a horny dude who worked at the nuclear power plant… his radioactive sperm fell into the sewer and onto the turtles. Over time the turtles grew, especially in the lower shell area.” That is a mostly verbatim recounting of the voiceover that begins what may be the most hilarious parody trailer I’ve ever seen. Did I say parody? No I did not because I’m typing but I did write it. What I meant to write was… XXX Porn Parody!!

Yup, Rule 34 in full effect. This thing exists and I have to tell you… I’m pretty sure I’m watching it. Not because I’m some sick and demented pervert, that’s besides the point. I’m pretty sure I’ll watch it because, again, Holy Hilarious, Fapman!! I’m not a laughing kind of guy. I prefer staring blankly, but I assure you if I were I’d have been hooting and hollering like my prized pig just took the ribbon at the county fair.

Before I go any further I will tell you, there’s gonna be a trailer posted at the end of this and you can bet your sweet greased bottoms that you can watch it with your grandmother… provided your grandmother smokes a lot of pot and is fun to hang with. No nudity, nary a hard nipple and thankfully none of the title-promised 10 inch turtle wangs. Pretty sure there’s not even that much offensive language or overtly sexual references.

What it did have was some pretty damned decent production values (scary proper looking turtles), a theme song (Heroes with a cock swell.. Turtle Penis!) that will tickle the juvenile child in you, though I warn I will be alerting the authorities about your creepy little tickle session, wonderfully lowbrow spoof names (Master Sphincter, Spreader, Dongatello!!), unique weaponry (like Raphallus wielding twin dildo sai)  & even your mandatory, Trump jokes.

I am no porn expert, leave that to our own {Name Redacted}, but I’ve seen a small portion of the extra special porn parody trailers and this, if I go through with it, will be the first time in my life I sit through a pornographic film. Mostly because the ENTIRE MOVIE IS STREAMING FOR FREE on their website (I’m not linking that here, you perverts). I dare you to watch the trailer and tell me you don’t at least want to try. I highly doubt I’ll get through it and more than sure I’ll end up sexually scarred but like the Little Engine That Could I’m gonna ride those motherfucking rails for as long as I can stands it. Till I can’t stands no more.

Check out the basically safe trailer below and see for yourself, even check out the near-unanimously positive Youtube comments for an added shock. This looks like it might be worth a fan edit to basic cable smut status for those who really don’t want their #ChildhoodRuined by a 10 inch Turtle Penis. Ehrmehrgherd… I just had a thought… are the turtle penises green? Fuck me running, I’m doing this, aren’t I?