There are some awesome comics, movies, games, etc. that I’ve missed out on through the years and I’m sure there’s even more steaming piles of something unpleasant that I’ve been lucky enough to avoid. In this not-so cleverly titled series, Belated Reviews, I seek to uncover them all. The good, the bad and the butt funking ugly. While I hope to be pleasantly surprised from time to time, I have the sneaking suspicion that I’ll be putting myself through a lot more torture than one man should ever bear and I do it all for you, Damien dear reader.

We’re going to start off this series with a franchise near and dear to me and an entry to it that I completely forgot even existed, Army of Darkness: Ash Saves Obama.

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This is a 4 issue series released by Dynamite in 2009 during the whole “put Obama in everything” debacle. Is it any good? Well… I guess we’re about to find out. Let’s start with the…

Expectations

Um…. huh? I… I… I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE!! Let’s just get this over with. I’m already regretting my choice. Maybe I should have went with the other 4 issue series I picked up, Ash Gets Hitched. Skimming the pages of Ash Saves Obama is not promising at all. The art is not appealing. Boring even. It doesn’t look like much is going to happen here. As I skim I realize Ash has his chainsaw on some of the covers but… I don’t see it anywhere in the pages. This is making me uncomfortable. Maybe I missed it, I am just skimming after all…

Issue #1

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Nope, didn’t miss it. Not as far as this issue is concerned but in all fairness the chainsaw is not on the cover of this issue. You know what Ash did have? Two fleshy functioning hands in at least half the panels! Ruh-Roh Raggy. So what else did I find in the pages of issue one? There was a neat Stargate reference, that should give our own Charles Weeden a raging… nevermind, moving on. Outside of that, this issue has met all my expectations. In case you weren’t reading above, that’s not a good thing. I’ll give the art a bit more credit than my first impression, it’s not so bad. Ordinary for sure but not quite as boring as it seemed during my skim-through. In this story Ash finds himself dealing with another form of the Necronomicon… A comic book that was written in the 80’s, when one geek (nerd as they call them in this series) reads a passage from it and ends up unleashing an evil spirit that hops into one of the other geeks in the store. Chaos ensues, clearly. Oh yeah, Obama happens to be visiting in town and stops at the S-mart to pick up some comic books for his daughters as the fit hits the shan. All of this sounds fun-ish as I type it but in the context of this issue, it’s not. There are also major logic fails here (has this not happened before? The clerk seemed pretty well versed on how to “use” the comic and it’s on the rack with everything else so clearly it has some sort of existing popularity) but I’m not even getting into it. I feel like the writer put zero thought into this so why should I? Maybe issue two will do some ‘splaing.

Verdict so far: While there are a few good nods and meta references in this issue (I’m looking at you Alien Apocalypse comic book) it’s not enough to keep me from puking in my own mouth. I don’t even think I’d be going on to the next issue if it wasn’t for this review.

Issue #2

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Annnnnd another excellent excrement issue. Do we really even have to go through this? I feel like writing about what I just read is going to be about as much fun as going over my darkest childhood traumas in front of classroom filled with circus clowns on acid (who may or may not be masturbating as I tell my tale). Alas, here we go. We get a little more action and excitement in this issue because clearly this Elliot Serrano guy must have written once or twice before to get this job. Looks like he has had some jobs, he did a Grumpy Cat comic book. Good for you, Elliot Serrano, good for you. Now, when I say this book has a little more action and excitement in it I mean the characters run around for a little bit, some words are thrown and Ash fights a Zombie-Robot (so fun!!) with a sword, still no chainsaw. Then some more running around S-mart. Where did Obama go? I have no clue but the last page does find Ash face to face with a Michael Jackson Thriller Zombie. This book is truly terrifying.

Issue #3

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I hate you, dear reader, I hate you so much… Oh look, a chainsaw on the cover!! Now we finally get to the bottom of our mystery. Onward hoes to issue three. Have I mentioned how much I hate you yet? OK, so I just finished the issue. No Obama again (2 issues now). No chainsaw even though there’s one on the cover. That’s it. That’s all I can stands and I can’t stands no more! This issue was even worse than the first two and I want to punch my computer screen and my special area. I’m never going to get this time back in my life. I should have just eaten that bowl of Corn Flakes and went to sleep! Guess I better go read issue four.

Issue #4

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YEAH RIGHT!! No such luck. I wouldn’t read this final issue for the sake of all the starving children in all the worlds. Screw those skinny bastards, I’m not reading another word of this trash! Save your dime and save your time, folks. This review is no doubt infinitely more entertaining than all 4 issues of Ash sort of meets and then who cares Obama. You’re welcome. I can’t end this piece, however, without getting to the bottom of our chainsaw mystery so here I go holding my nose as I look over each panel. Nope, no chainsaw. I was right. We do get three panels of Obama in his office so that’s something, right? RIGHT!?!

And that’s it. I think we all feel better about ourselves now. I know I do now that this nightmare is over. Keep checking back at this website because I think another installment of Belated Reviews is coming really soon to make up for this mess. Hopefully we’ll have better luck next time.

Final Verdict: Avoid at ALL costs. This series isn’t even worthy as a gag gift or pirated download.